Last night while lying in a relaxing bath, I was suddenly overtaken by an intense sadness. I felt like drowning myself right there. The only way I could articulate what I was feeling was to say it is like something really bad just happened, I expected a call from the police to give me bad news.
For a while I just sat in the bath crying for no reason, except that I felt like crying. I’ve learned to let emotions be, to live through them, allow them to their job, sort of… So the tears came… This was good, since with the pills and my tendency to hide my feelings, I don’t cry no matter how depressed I am.
I remember one night, I just suddenly got the urge to be alone, it took some time to get husband on board. But in the end he let me go stay in a guesthouse for one night. That night I cried out to God to let me cry, so that there can be a visible manifestation of what I had been feeling for two months. I didn’t sleep well at all that night , neither did any tears roll down my cheeks. It was so disappointing. A few days later I saw my psychologist, and in his office I broke down and cried like i hadn’t for years.
Funny thing is while I was crying, I tried to stop it, to regain control but I just couldn’t. Why would I want to cry but then when it happens I try to stop it? I think fear is behind it. The healthy part of me didn’t want me to cry because that would be admitting that I’m not as healthy as I think I am. The part that knows something is wrong was trying to convince the healthy part of the true state of things. Inner conflict again…
So last night in the bath I cried for no good reason, I had a normal day, nothing strange. Maybe something that happened reminded my subconscious of another event in my life and that brought out the emotion. I tried reaching out to my husband, who is currently out of town. But I didn’t feel like talking, so he just talked to me over the phone till I was calm again. I really have the best husband in the world (He is hot as well :))
After I had calmed down I tried meditating to see if I can find the source of the sadness but I could not, My memory went back to the last time I cut (7 months clean now) but it stopped there. I have blocked out so much of my childhood. It is very difficult to break free from this cancer in my mind, this bipolar, because it has spread its tentacles all over my thinking, feeling and reasoning. To remove most of it will take so many hours of meditation, counselling, therapy and prayer. The long journey ahead of me overwhelms me, It is a horrible feeling when you know your mind is not healthy and it can’t be fixed immediately. I remind myself that God has the journey all planned out in His head, and it is constructed in such a way that it will be true healing that is sealed by His blood.
So the sadness can come, I’m not afraid of it.
I am afraid of wasting tears though…