Went to the beach saturday, parked the car, put my handbag in the boot. Had a lovely walk and when I came back I found that someone had broken into the car and stolen my bag. A lot of stuff was in there like a brand new damn expensive lipstick (Estee Lauder), my wallet with all my bank cards and my driver’s license, ofcourse a very fancy handbag but most of all, the biggest loss: My journal… An Alice in wonderland themed Moleskine. It was almost full, few pages left. It contained daily entries from October last year.
I wrote anything and everything in that journal! I was obsessed with it and it kept all my secrets. See the reason this is such a big loss is that one day I would like to write a book about my life and the wisdom I’ve gained but my memory sucks so I penned down every thought in my precious… Now a very busy, adventure-filled 8 months is gone. Just like that. It is probably in a dustbin somewhere. All I can do is pray that God will remind me of the important stuff when I need it. Ugh!!!
I already have a new journal, I bought my next one a while ago because it was just so beautiful and the last pages of my stolen one was in sight. But now I don’t know if it is such a good idea to carry my life in my handbag with no backup. Hence why I’m considering journaling electronically. Thins is there is something therapeutic to writing, to seeing your thoughts fill up a book. Holding my super fancy pen in my hand. Watching my handwriting change with my mood…
My worst fear is that one day somebody finds it and publishes all my dark secrets but that’s the bipolar paranoia talking probably. Talking about bipolar, I’m seeing my new psychiatrist tomorrow, I feel pretty euthymic (stable) so hopefully he will just give me a new script but leave everything as it is. It’s an hour appointment because it is my first appointment with him. I dunno what we’re gonna talk about for an hour, it’s not like I can remember on what meds I’ve been in the past 6 years. (there are a few that stand out, because they ruined my life like seroquel) I Know this psychiatrist (kinda), He is a long time friend of the in-laws. He and my husband get along very well, in fact they’re very similar. If he is half the man my husband is, I’ll be fine.
I want to write a post on how I don’t feel like a real bipolar since I haven’t ever experienced elation, only depression and hypomanic episodes with mixed features (like a depressed mood). Are there any of you who also feel like you aren’t really bipolar? plz comment or inbox me I would love to talk to you.
Okay that’s my rant for the day, as always thanks for reading!