In my previous blog; I’m not okay, not in the least, I wrote about how bad I was feeling. Well thing is it got worse, the dip became a hole and and the hole a very deep ocean with me at the bottom (with no gills). I started questioning my existence and even entertained thoughts of how to exit this life. My reasoning was as follows: People always say to commit suicide is selfish because of the pain you cause your loved ones. But what about how selfish they are for expecting you to continue living for their sake when you are in constant pain? The pain of severe depression is like nothing I have ever experienced in life, at each moment you feel that you cannot continue anymore. My husband tries to understand this, but let’s be honest, unless you have been there you cannot fathom the pain and desperation.
Weird thing is during this depression I still did everything that I was supposed to do up to the last day. That is good i guess, it has the disadvantage of people thinking you’re okay because you’re still functional when you are everything but okay. I remember Sunday night I went really deep, I stood up after writing in my journal and just collapsed on the floor. I just lay there crying. I was mourning…
Mourning the death of my megalomania. The idea that somehow all this pain will someday be worth something when it precipitates into a story that brings hope to people. Something in me just realized that my existence will be extraordinarily tough and a constant battle, but not spectacular. All this pain would have no value, it is just part of being me. Ordinary me, that will some day die and have a small funeral.
It is weird how my megalomania kept me alive. It is as if somewhere in my life my psyche decided to construed this idea of greatness in order to make the suffering bearable and someone just came and pulled that brick out of my wall, bringing the whole house down.
I am slowly making peace with the fact that being a wife and a daughter is enough reason to stay alive. No I’m lying, I haven’t even started accepting it.