Calling the bluff, maybe

I’ve been walking the tightrope of stability now for 7 months. I get depressed but then it only lasts for a week or so, not long enough to make me take action… Suicidal for 4 days, gets better just before I phone the doc… Mixed state for weeks but I’m coping so let’s not do anything about it… This is the story of my life now for more than half a year. I’m stable but rarely at peace. Isn’t peace what us bipolars are looking for? There is the akathisia making me restless and irritated, so it is hard to distinguish between mixed/hypo and just the Abilify having its way.

Then there are the triggers making this whole story even more confusing. So being away from home could be the reason behind the first mixed state, The first contraceptive could explain the depression of Jan to April. The rather stable month of May may be due to the progress with my degree. The mixed depro space named June 2016 could possibly be contraceptive nr. 2. Hmmm which brings us to the past 2 weeks. Nothing to explain the fukd-upness I’m feeling right now.

So when do you stop blaming triggers and side-effects? When do you say “my meds aren’t working for me anymore” Thing is changing your meds feels a lot like changing a dirty ¬†beshitted nappy. except you have the added joy of having to go to hospital and you have no guarantee that changing the nappy will clear the nasty rash you’ve developed. In fact it may just make everything worse. destabilize you completely…

The few days of normality I have in between the dodgy ones try to convince me that I’m ¬†doing well, all things considered… But is there better or should I just be thankful that between the sweeping mood dysregulation, the fiery irritability, the cringe-worthy suicidal thoughts and my personal anti-favorite: the oxygen depriving feeling of being overwhelmed, I am actually okay. No blood has flowed, no plans have been made and most of all I’m still taking my meds (let’s not mention the binge drinking, oh shit I just mentioned it!)

So friends do I check my nappy or glide on along this tumultuous edge of the sidewalk?


4 thoughts on “Calling the bluff, maybe

  1. As bad as the binge drinking is, I’m pretty sure it has helped me. It’s blacked out some terrible nights and made tomorrow, and normality, arrive sooner. Not recommended for everyday use though, for obvious reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d say something needs checking somewhere along the lines. At least you have dates and are monitoring. If I were in your shoes, I’d make notes of dates, moods, medications and then head off to see my doc. It must be exhausting going in and out of everything in rapid succession and with such frequency. Take care


    1. Hey I saw my psych today, He looked at all my info and asked me a few questions… He feels the meds should stay as they are for now and that I should focus on my thought processes, he highlighted that I am very critical of myself and that I think black and white about certain things, like my value which I could see once he mentioned it. so we’re continuing with the psychology train and not upping/changing the meds.

      Liked by 1 person

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