Dear diary

I wish I could just drown in a ballad of piano notes. I wish I could just fall into infinity. Disappear into the world of quarks and leptons. Just stop this tape from playing. Do I sound sad? I’m sorry. I will stop. 
I wish things were easier, like losing weight and remembering the many things I read. Those two things I just can’t seem to figure out. No matter how hard I try I don’t make progress in those two areas. It feels like those are things I’m not allowed to have. They are the things I really want. Those are the two things missing in my life.
Am I making them bigger than they are just because I can’t have them? I tend to focus on what is wrong or missing instead of what I have and is good. I’m sorry. I should change. Or I should just drown. Drowning will hurt but seems more promising. Ugh just kill me now. I don’t want to be me.
I know I am super blessed and I have nothing to complain about, the world is my oyster and all of that shit. But I’m still me and me is throwing a blue screen. Everyone is so impressed by how well I’m doing, and most of the time I am doing well. really. But here I can be honest and say that I’m walking a tight rope between sanity and the fall. and I fail, every day to do everything that is right. So many checklists, so many steps to being a good citizen and none of them seem to come naturally. The struggle is real. Apparently I’m doing the thing. that is what my phone says.  Actually just want to cut now. punish myself for sucking at life. for fucking it up.
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